Ok couldn't resist one final message...

Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl but she doesn't have alot to say
bum bum bum
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl but she'll change from day to day
I want to tell her that I love her a lot but I gotta get a belly full of wine
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl
Some day I'm gonna make her mine
oh yeah
Some day I'm gonna make her mine

Nothing like being surrounded by 10,000 people to make you feel so utterly alone

So, my weekend..
Friday afternoon went to the opening of the buffy track and stayed for the next panel which was good. The guy who played lorne is quite amusing and seems a generally good guy, the guy who played clem was also very funny. They also had someone who played a kind of joke demon in one scene of one episode.. I have no idea why he was there other than the fact that he's from atlanta and they probably didn't have to pay him anything? Anyways after that I left the room and wandered around for a while and tried to go back for the Nicholas Brendon (Xander) panel half an hour early, and was disappointed that it was already completely full, no standing room even. But there was a Firefly panel at the same time I wanted to go to anyways that was in the main ball room, so what the hell.. I go up there and the line for it is around the building.. good god. So I miss both the panels I most wanted to see, and wander off dejectedly.

As I'm heading down the stairs I find an old friend, and am pretty well told without being told that I'm persona non grata for some reason I'm not really sure of. Greeeeat.. just what I needed. I'm about to say to hell with it all and head home at that point, but I decide to go to the gaming track. I find an open d&d game and have a reasonably fun time, though the story is a bit of a bore (figure out who's lying about what, with no way to do so other than to role a "sense motive" check every 3 words.. poorly planned). Afterwards I go to the buffy horror picture show, which is great fun even if the cast doesn't have their shit together. I'm actually thinking about contacting the track directors and seeing if they'd like someone to do it next year who would actually like.. be in costume and know the moves, maybe even make some props. After that I throw my bag in the car and get out the drum, head to the drum circle and drum for two hours. It occurs to me that drummers have pretty much been getting OTHER people laid for thousands of years.. cause all those dancers are shaking it for the people behind the drummers. :P bheansidhe says hi to me and she's dressed beautifully, as she is every time I see her at con. Once my hands are hurting so bad I can't drum anymore I head down to the buffy room for a while to watch videos a while, had a nice time discussing a few things about he show with those who were around. Then one of the track people comes in drunk and kind of belligerent, so I head home.
Meh, I'll write about saturday and sunday later.

Meditation group

And I forgot to mention, I want to start a regular weekly meditation practice. I'd like to do so with other people, but it will be happening even if I'm the only one here so feel free to show up or not. Anyone interested please comment and put in what time frames you'd be available during and I'll try to make it as compatible as possible.
At first it will just be individual meditation, but I hope to get into guided group meditations later.

In my life..

odd, it seems that saying no one will read this is a challenge for people to respond. A couple of you I had no idea even read my journal.

Anyways, the wife was almost oddly sweet to me tonight considering how we've been towards each other lately. We're going on a date thursday, wish luck. Also talked to the other person who had me so confused this weekend and got things a bit straightened out. All in all a good evening.

I got the shelving I bought up in my room, and started putting up my stuff on it.. my stuff consisting almost entirely of mementos from past happineses. The picture Janel gave me of her and our honeymoon. The picture box Lisa gave me, along with her cat ears I swiped before she left. Cups that Amy gave me each filled with scraps from different people.. the beads from her baby shower, a receipt from elizabeth, a strand of hair from debra, the turtle the other elizabeth made me, a receipt from taking kat out. Then there's the candy cane from the first girl I tried flirting with in person as poly, the tree of life postcard mark gave me, a christmas card from the long distance relationship that gave me the strength to begin breaking out of the slump I was in. *sigh*

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I still love every single person I've ever loved, and at various times I miss each of you terribly who are no longer here, sometimes I miss you terribly even if you are here. Hope each of you are exactly where you need to be, which is like hoping that the sun will come up, but I like sure bets.

(no subject)

Ooh, I had such a better idea than an alarm. It's got to be local kids, so I'll get several wireless cameras and the control system for apparently less than $250, put out enough ambient lighting to make sure I get a good shot of them, bang on doors with printed photos of the little shits until I find where they live, and send their ass to jail. Smile assholes, you're on candid camera.. hope you like being a prison bitch.

(no subject)

Well they tried to steal the car again. The club delayed them long enough (they'd gotten it half off) for a neighbor to notice them and they took off running. Two little shit teenagers, 14-17, black. reported to police again, not that it will help. I'm going to put an alarm on the car.. honestly I kind of hope they're stupid enough to keep trying.

Does anyone get the icon's reference?

"But if you want it
Then you must find it
But when you have it
There'll be no need for it"

"But thou canst not get out by the way thou camest in.
The Way out is THE WAY. Get out."

"Oh, you can't get out backwards.
You've got to go forwards to go back, better press on."

"Best not begin, once begun better finish"

(no subject)

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

I miss somebody right now.  (I usually do) I don't watch much TV these days.  (for four years) I own lots of books.  (Well, co-own)
I wear glasses or contact lenses. I love to play video games. I've tried marijuana.  (meh)
I've watched porn movies. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.  (To be fair we were both the psycho-ex, so its hard to say) I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (usually..)
I curse sometimes. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
it goes on...Collapse )

The time has come...

First off, new icon :)

Secondly, was listening to part of a lecture series on buddhism on the way home, this lecture was on the doctrine of reincarnation. The speaker described the basic layout of Indian reincarnation, and then described the fact that this leads to basically two paths. The normal path is of course to do good things and be tied to certain repsonsibilities that you do correctly, and the result would be to have a better reincarnation. The problem is impermanence, even gods pass. The alternate path is not often used, but is to perform no action. By performing no action you break the cycle of reincarnation, and come to cessation, liberation, nirvana.
I doubt anyone who will read this is unfamilliar with this.
However he also mentions there are two ways to break the cycle of "I act" The one most of us are familiar with as actions of buddhism is to cross out the word act. Sacred poverty, begging for food, no ties or responsibilities. However the other way is to cross out the I. There is no you who performs the action.

Again not horribly ground shattering, but something in the way he contrasted and illuminated it all together made me realize that I've been essentially hedging my bets for years. Undecided whether I should persue good karma or nirvana. Undecided whether I should try to eliminate action or eliminate myself. Instead what I've been doing is largely being reactionary, and being led around by my yetzer hara into a faulty mix of all.

I've taken from the pursuit of karma that I should shun and deride bad actions in myself. Taken from elimination of action that I shouldn't bother trying to study and do good works, that it is only wasting time. Taken from cessation of self only that I shouldn't take responsibility for my actions while still holding tight to "I". I've wanted the rewards of the path of Shammai (unlimited world, unlimited possibilities) without taking the fundamental steps of it of elminating sense of self. I was told by the fey that I had to die to get what I was after (woohoo, just used three completely contrary systems in one stretched out paragraph) and all that I took from that is self-denial and hiding from myself.

So yeah, I need to pick a path, or perhaps follow them all but actually follow them as they are, not cross them in this malformed cross-negating way.

(no subject)

I picked up Steppenwolf this evening from the shelf looking for a quote and immediately got sucked into reading it again. It occurs to me again that all anyone who particularly cares to know my basic motivations and reactions to life would need to do is read this. I thought that some 6 years ago or more when I first read it and it still maintains.